My Interpretation of Psalm 139

You have memorized each aspect of my being, Lord;

You know me through and through.

You see when I sink into my comfy chair to catch my breath,
And when I stretch to greet the morning sun.
Every thought that rushes through my brain, you capture and record in your Book of Life
You observe me rushing through the daily chores of life,
And when I collapse into my bed in exhaustion.
You know everything I will ever do.
When a word is but a thought,
You see it in the deep recesses of my mind.
You place your hand on the small of my back to guide me,
Yet it is there to hold me back from danger, also.
Your hand rests gently upon my head to remind me that you are there.
Knowing you accelerates my heart rate,
And butterflies flutter in my stomach because of Your great love.
Yet when I am rebellious, I try to turn from you,
But there is nowhere to go that I won’t be found.
You are like air, all around, everywhere, enveloping me in Your presence.
If I climb the highest mountain peak,
I am even closer to you in your heavens.
If I try to crawl into a pit of despair,
You find me, even there.
If I set out on an early morning trek,

You are already awake and waiting for me,

To join me on my excursion.
If I sail away on the farthest seas,
You lull me with the waves of your love.
No matter where I go,

You guide and protect me.

When I believe I’m well hidden under the weight of my sin,
You see the light in me that comes from loving you,
The perfect light that cannot be extinguished.
You created each intricate facet of me.
Before I had any knowledge of my being,
You knew exactly who I would one day become.
I am in awe of how you love me
And have planned my destiny.
How you so wonderfully made me.
How can I ever think badly of myself when I am
A reflection of you?
When I was not yet formed,
You infused me with the precise formula to make me
Who I would become in you.
You watched me grow,
And calendared each of my days according to your will.
You wrote the story of my life.
I stand amazed at how carefully planned I was by you,
From the beginning of time.
Your love is unfathomable.
Your dreams for me are too intricate  count
Please, Lord, protect me from all harm,
So I can continue to worship you, distraction-free.
Many mock my faith in you,
And slander your precious name.
But I will fight for you,
Even against those who entice wicked thoughts in me.
I will strive to convince them of your holy ways.
My enemies are many, but you are more.
Examine my heart, God,
Help me persevere as Job.
Yet I am afraid to ask you to sift me.
Can I hold up from your testing?
Weed out any wickedness from my soul,
And help me to follow you
Until I am called home.

Women's Retreat Part 2-He Speaks

OK, so I couldn’t wait ‘til tomorrow...

So if you know me, or if you read my other blog CupOfSensibility (also on blogger), you know that I have been consumed with doing something, anything, to help find missing teen, Sierra LaMar. About two weeks after I heard about her disappearance, I felt that God was moving in me to do something for this cause. I didn’t really stop to listen to WHAT I was supposed to be doing, but I decided on my own to join the volunteer search for her. I am a girly girl and hate bugs, dirt, mud, weeds, and wildlife. I also have a messed up body that rebels any time I try to do anything to exert it. I mean, hello, I’ve had two back surgeries, one shoulder surgery, and appendectomy and about 8 or 9 minor foot surgeries. But I decided I had to go. I had been praying for her, but I decided praying wasn’t enough. What was I thinking? Twice I got flaked on and finally a little over a week ago my husband and I went on the search. I wanted to be more in tune with the type of person she was so I read her tweets and read every bit of information I could find about her. I’ve been told I have the gift of empathy, and I agree that I do. But I tend to internalize other people’s pain so much so that it is to my own detriment. Following the search, I ached for her, for what she must be going through, had gone through, what her family and friends were going through. And I decided I must go on another search or many searches until she is found. I checked the news constantly for any word on her. It really became an obsession, but I didn’t see it. I was even a little sad about going to the retreat because it meant not being able to search for her that weekend.

So back to my quiet time at the retreat...

I sat in the warm sun, back against my log cabin, facing magnificent redwood trees, having a stare-down with a squirrel, and watching a lizard come out from under the porch, look up at me, then return back under it, only to do the same thing over and over again many times. I had read Psalm 139 over and over again. Finally, I closed my eyes. In my mind, I asked God what He wanted or needed to say to me. I wasn’t expecting much. But He spoke. He broke my heart and healed it again. All of this within fifteen minutes.

The first thing He told me was, “She is My child and is in My hands. She called out to me and I heard her.” I began to cry. I don’t know what has happened to her, but I realized at that moment that God has it under control. I need to let go. I will still search for her if that opportunity arises, but I don’t need to obsess. She is His. I do believe that she called out to Him. I don’t know the circumstances. I pray she is alive and well and will somehow make her way back to her family. But at least I know that God, her true Father, is with her. One I had my cry, I felt so at peace. It is not for me to bring her home, but for Him. I also felt that He convicted me that prayer is what matters most, not running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Prayer is the first and best resource I have. And maybe I am to show that to others. I tend to use it as a last resort after seeking counsel and trying to make my own way. That has to change.

I thought He was done talking to me at that point. But He wasn’t! A few minutes later, the following verse stuck in my head and repeated over and over...”Be still and know I am God.” I wasn’t sure at that point if it was a verse...I couldn’t remember. I knew it was in a song, though. Later, when I returned to the meeting hall, I was looking at some jewelry that was for sale. What did I find but a bracelet with “Be still and know I am God.” It is from Psalm 46:10. I bought it as a reminder when I am going crazy trying to do too much, and as a reminder of how He spoke to me.

There is so much more to write about...especially other things Debbie Alsdorf shared. But I will leave that for another blog post.

I pray for you all, that you, too, will hear from God as I did. I never in a million years thought it would happen to me, but He does speak. Hallelujah!

On My Church's Women's Retreat-Part 1

I attended my first church women’s retreat this past weekend. I am in awe! It was tons of fun! Not that I expected otherwise, but then, actually, I didn’t know really what to expect.

My sis, Bobbie, and I started the day at 10 a.m. and went shopping because I had decided the night before that I HAD to have jean capris to wear. Having not worn any in probably a year, I could not find mine. I bought a really cute pair.

Next we went to get pedicures. It was really relaxing and I love my blue toes with a flower design made out of little crystals.

We then had a yummy lunch at a chinese restaurant and then made our way to Santa Cruz. We tooled around the town for awhile and stopped at Gayle’s Bakery. If you’ve never had Gayle’s you absolutely MUST! The creme brulee was so rich and yummy!

Finally, we made our way to Kennolyn resort. It is a super cute little place with cabins and little storefronts that can be used for activities.

Once we settled in, we played ping pong or shall I say we attempted to play ping pong but mostly ended up chasing the balls down a hill.

We were challenged to a tournament by our tech guy for the weekend, whom Bobbie called Jake-ette as this was a women’s retreat after all! He creamed us.

We then had a scrumptious dinner. I can’t even begin to tell you how great the food is at Kennolyn. I felt like royalty. There was salmon that was perfectly cooked and moist, vegetable lasagna, and yummy pie, among a myriad of other things.

We heard a taste of our speaker, Debbie Alsdorf, If you ever have the opportunity to hear Debbie speak, DO IT! Oh my gosh, she is so personable and REAL. Her life is an open book and she shows you how to relate what she teaches to real life experiences. She opened up the discussion series talking about the three “P’s”--position, purpose and passion. About how God wants us to know who we are in Him so that we can understand His purpose for us. She really brought home how He knows each of us, protects us, and made us--and values all He has made.

After she spoke,  it was off to bed for us. Bobbie and I were sharing a room with two other ladies. They were totally sweet and we found out we have knitting and crocheting in common so watch out Shoreline, you may soon have a knitting or craft ministry coming!

I didn’t sleep so well but mainly because it was too quiet! I guess I’m too used to the sounds of cars driving by on my street and the highway sounds from a few blocks down. It was perfectly still and silent at Kennolyn. It was lovely to look out our skylight and see the stars above. I do have to confess, though, that I had scared the other ladies with talk of Jason from Friday the 13th. It’s what I do! No one wanted to sleep by the door even though there was an empty bed. My bad.

The next day, we heard from three ladies from my church on Romans 12:12. Maureen a.k.a. “Auntie Mo” spoke on the part, “Be joyful in hope.”  I loved her illustration on faith, hope and trust. She stated that faith is one side of a coin; hope the other side, the actual coin IS trust. We must hope with a strong and confident expectation. In chaos, there is no joy or hope. We must trust and continue to believe when we can’t see hope and faith. Amy then spoke on “Patient in affliction.” Specifically, she spoke on the sacrifice of praise. We must praise Him even when we can’t move another step. Finally, Sherry spoke about being “Faithful in prayer.” What we really believe we should be doing (praying), we will make a priority. I am going to do this! Many things get in the way of our prayer life but we must get on our knees each day because something happens each time we pray, even if we don’t know it.

After these wonderful ladies spoke, we were asked to go alone to a place where we could quietly pray and hopefully hear from God. The ladies had stated they wanted each of us to have a defining moment with Him while on the retreat. I went back to my cabin and sat on the porch stairs at the side. I could look at the redwoods before me. In fact, as I sat there,  a fat, fluffy squirrel watched me watching him. I usually have a hard time being still or shutting off my mind to hear anything of importance. Nevertheless, I did try. When I felt my mind racing, I began to read Psalm 139 as I knew Debbie would be speaking on it later. I read it over and over. Then I put it aside and closed my eyes and just listened. He did something amazing. He spoke.

(To be continued tomorrow...)

Getting Involved in Ministry/Discovering Spiritual Gifts

I’ve tried to find my ministry niche at my church for many years. When I first started going to church, the church was reading the Purpose Driven Life. There is a whole section on figuring out your spiritual gifts. I filled out questionnaires and read books all to discover that I couldn’t really figure out what my gifts were. I was sure I had none. I was a baby Christian with nowhere to serve. Looking back, I now know I could’ve served anywhere or everywhere and figured things out from there. Unfortunately, I was looking for the perfect fit.

One of our pastors spent a lot of time with me trying to help me figure things out. He asked me if I put aside any worries about my limitations, the logistics, etc, what would I want to do? I wanted to start a singles ministry. The church had an unofficial one. I was told that they preferred a husband and wife team to lead the singles group so as to avoid any dating drama, but still I was invited to meet with the unofficial single’s group leader to see if we could pull something together, and also to try to find a team to help out and people interested in joining. I really didn’t know anyone and I have to say, I dropped the ball. I’m an introvert and the idea of wrangling ministry leaders and members scared the hell out of me.

Next, I tried Children’s Ministry. I went through the fingerprinting process and started working in the nursery. It was a decent fit as I like babies. But then I got rubbed the wrong way. I apparently received a call after I went to sleep one Saturday night (my phone registered the time as 11:30 p.m.) telling me that I was needed the next morning to work in the nursery even though I wasn’t scheduled. I had plans to go out of town. I couldn’t get a hold of the leader the next morning and basically spent the day feeling bad and stressing that everyone thought I was a flake. Instead of being gracious and moving forward, I dropped out of the ministry.

Fast forward a few years...

I joined the church’s ministry that visits folks in convalescent hospitals. I loved it! But then my back gave out. I loved spending time with the residents but found myself bending to talk to them or hold hands, etc. Just standing and moving from room to room aggravated my back. Again, I stopped ministry.

Two surgeries later...

I underwent a few surgeries but still have issues and find that I can’t do the things I want to.  My church started a Ministry Launch team and I asked if we could have a “card” ministry. I found out we already had one and I was invited to join. I was thrilled as I love to write (not that you could tell...). For about a year I have been writing notes to members of the congregation letting them know our prayer team prays for their requests each week. I love that I can put my own spin on the cards. I look up relevant scripture verses to write at the top of the cards and then literally write a prayer to the person. I’m horrible at praying out loud or in front of others, but I love to write prayers. Our ministry also does cards for schools to let them know we pray for them during these difficult times. I think this is my favorite part of the ministry.

Although I loved my card ministry, I still felt that there was more I was supposed to be doing. I still didn’t know what, though. My church started a Monday night service and I really felt that I was supposed to somehow be a part of it. Yet I let fear overtake me. It’s not like I knew how to actually DO anything.

One Sunday I wasn’t able to make it to church so my husband and I decided to check out the Monday service. If you don’t know Shoreline, let me tell you, it is huge. There are hundreds of people at the three Sunday services. You can be completely anonymous if you want to. I always had been. The Monday service was different.

There were about 50 people at the service, if even. It was very intimate, with lights dim. Our lead pastor came over and talked to us. It was actually the first time I had officially met him although I felt like I’d known him for years because he is so engaging. Out bulletin contained a flyer asking if anyone would like to help out for Monday services. It listed the different areas in which help was needed. You could check off a box and return it during the offering. All during the service I felt like I was being nudged to fill it out. I felt like God was saying, “Hello, even if you flop, there are only fifty people here to see it.” I had always thought about applying to be a lyrics operator. I mean, how hard could it be?I think what kept me from it previously had been my fear of messing up in front of hundreds of people. I really had no excuse now. So I filled it out. And two days later I received an email about the position. I went in to meet with the Technical Director and began training. He did not expect me to know what I was doing, or to have any experience. He didn’t even seem to be annoyed that I had no clue what I was doing and acted like a ditzy blonde!

All this happened the week before Christmas. I volunteered for the Christmas Eve services at 4:30 p.m. and 11 p.m. That way I would have time to do an early Christmas Eve dinner with my mom. That day I got major stage fright. I was literally feeling sick to my stomach that I would screw something up in front of many seekers who may have decided to check out the church spur of the moment. I had sent an email to my boss stating my concerns. He wrote me back and the gist of what he said was that as long as I strove for excellence that was all that was expected. And that even if something went wrong, God can use any situation to reach others and maybe that is what was needed. I have never forgotten these words. And believe me, I do screw up. Quite often, in fact! But the staff never beats me over the head or gets mad about it. Ever. Oh and by the way, nothing went wrong during my Christmas services. Although I heard there were some demon spiders come out of the Christmas tree wreaking havoc at prior services!

Anyway, I guess my point is, don’t be afraid to get involved in ministry! There are so many opportunities and more than likely others will be quite willing and happy to train you! Don’t be afraid to branch out, out of your comfort zone. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me! I feel like I am truly in God’s will now and I’m never happier than when I am doing his work to support others in their experience with Him. After nearly 8 years, I have discovered my spiritual gifts (at least some of them). It takes trial and error but you have to be willing to step out and give it a try.

Anyway, that’s all for now folks!

On Easter

As Easter approaches, I've been doing a lot of thinking about its meaning. To some it means dyeing and hiding  Easter eggs, filling baskets  with candy and treats, eating said treats, having Easter dinner, and spending time with family and friends, maybe even going to church, what the hay?

To me, Easter is the most significant holiday there is. It begins on Good Friday when I mourn my Savior's gruesome and horribly torturous death. I remember the price He paid to save my lowly soul from captivity in hell due to my sin. How could someone love me so much to do such a thing? It's amazing. And it is TRUE.

I wish I would've known this when I was in my teen years and felt that the world was ending on a daily basis, that my life was over, or sadly wasn't over soon enough and I wanted to help it along. But everything in its own season. I learned the truth when I was meant to and not a second sooner.

My church's Good Friday services are always so beautiful. I remember one year entering into the sanctuary that was filled with fog. The lights were dimmed. There was a cross in front of the stage. I literally felt as if I was in the Garden of Gethsemane. On a prior Good Friday, each person that wanted to could write their sins on a slip of paper and then literally nail the list onto the cross. Although beautiful, Good Friday services are heartrendingly sad. It is on this day each year that I truly remember the price that was paid for me. I'm horrified anew by what was done to Jesus. Last weekend my pastor said something I hadn't known before. Jesus was scourged 39 times. For those of you that don't know what scourging is...here you are, but be warned--it isn't pretty:

"A scourge (from Italian scoriada, from Latin excoriare = "to flay" and corium = "skin") is a whip or lash, especially a multi-thong type used to inflict severe corporal punishment or self-mortification on the back."

But it wasn't the fact that He was scourged that caused me pause...it was the number. Why 39 times? I mean wouldn't it make more sense to do it in "tens" (not that this type of punishment could ever make sense)? Then my pastor gave the reason...the ones who had designed the punishment had found that a person could more often than not survive 39 scourges, but forty would usually kill a person. Wow. I don't understand how anyone could inflict a punishment that would leave another bloody, scarred, and to the brink of death. How could they live with themselves? Yet it had to be done...

I tend to leave the Good Friday service with tear streaked face and heavy heart.

And then Sunday comes...

Easter Sunday is a celebration. I wake up with such hope in my heart. Hope that I'm not alone, that this is not the end, that there is more to come...

Our Easter service is a joyful celebration that although Jesus died, He rose again! Because of this, I have a great comforter and redeemer, someone to intercede for me, someone to be there in my darkest hours to be my best friend and anything else I could ever need. There is hope in this desolate world! There is a plan for my life, and for everyone who believes! His death was not in vain! I wish everyone could know the joy I feel and the hope I have that can only come from Him. So many doubt, are broken down or defeated and I wish they just knew! But I will continue to scatter seed wherever and whenever I can.

If you never have before...I strongly recommend you go to an Easter service this year. Allow yourself to feel the magnitude of what God has done for you, whether you believe or question, whatever,...He will fill in the blanks. So come celebrate!